Today, I am insane. Cracked-out and weird, bumping into walls, not sure which way is up. Why? Because yesterday (all of yesterday), I binge-watched all seven Fast and Furious movies back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back with nary a pause in between. My brain is scrambled. I am reeling.
Before yesterday I had never seen any of the Fast and Furious movies. But with the new film receiving some genuinely high praise and breaking basically every box-office record ever, I figured it was finally time. So I threw on some sweatpants and hit play on the original The Fast and the Furious. If I timed it just right, I’d be able to watch them all (with just three-minute piss-breaks) and make it to the 11:10pm showing at the theater nearby.
I entered into this a naif with eyes wide open, but by the end I was all carburetors and vroom. There are spoilers (and spoilers) ahead. You’ve been warned.
The Fast and The Furious (2001)
- Five minutes in and I think I may be watching car porn. This includes people spreading open the hood and drooling over what’s inside. Makes me feel kind of dirty. Oh, Michelle Rodriguez is in this! That can only be a good thing. Makes me feel dirty in a much better way.
- “God damn street racers!” says the pizza man, haughtily.
- The first street race legitimately raised my cortisol levels. Guys. That is not safe.
- Gang shoots the green car, it catches fire. Vin Diesel is like, “The NOS!” They run away as it explodes. I’m preeeeetty sure NOS tanks aren’t flammable. Research pending.
- Whaaat Paul Walker is five-o! Betrayal. Treachery!
- “He’s got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain.” That is an actual line from this movie.
- Oil-boarding. Ted just got oil-boarded. It’s like waterboarding, but with motor oil. Man, that sucks.
- I like how they’ve made Neptune’s Net in Malibu the place where the world’s hottest women just hang around in bikinis. I’ve been to that place. I remember seeing a lot of fat guys in grease-stained shirts, not so many supermodel-types. Great fried seafood, though.
- Michelle Rodriguez punching a dude in the face is the best thing.
- There’s a botched truck hijacking which I find to be very confusing. Was he saying the driver is a fed? If so, where the hell are the other feds? And how did Paul Walker know shit was going to go wrong on this one? And why didn’t the cops show up with the med-evac chopper. This movie is stupid. I like this movie.
- Jessie’s dead. He was too good for this world. Good night, sweet prince.
- Tran’s dead. He was a dick though, so it’s pretty much okay.
Conclusion: It was dumb, but fun-dumb, and I kinda liked it. Lots of bad dialogue, and Paul Walker had frosted tips, which, no. Action was pretty good, though. I’ll give it three stars out of five to set a baseline for comparison.
Mental State: Doing just fine. I mean, it’s just watching one action movie …read more
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